The Second Best Bed
by Bartlegg
Summary: Cowritten with DonnasLittleBuddy. This is a screenplay that pokes fun at the events of PostSorkin West Wing. Don't judge till the end! R&R! COMPLETE!
1. Teaser: Cider Lacking

The Second Best Bed  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: A fan fic for the brave, to be taken tongue in cheek  
  
Pairing: To be discovered...  
  
Disclaimers: These characters aren't mine they belong to Aaron Sorkin etc.  
  
Notes: This is our first cooperative fan-fiction, and it is in the form of a screenplay. This will be posted in five parts (Teaser, Act 1....)  
  
Any helpful insights would be greatly appreciated. We hope that you enjoy it. Also, the original teaser has been edited into this version, so do not read act one update until you've read the edited teaser. Thank you. Also...if things get nasty, stick with it until the end. We promise you won't be disappointed. (Thanks to all old reviews, we hope you'll find this story better in its entirety)  
  
SPECIAL SPECIAL SPECIAL NOTICE: For those who care LANCE ARMSTRONG is coming very close to winning his 6Th TOUR De FRANCE so watch the Cyclysm take place on OLN.  
- This is a public service announcement from Donna'slittlebuddy  
  
HeHe  
  
THE WEST WING  
  
"The Second Best Bed"  
(formally "An Epic of Ethics")  
  
Written by  
Bartlegg & Donna'sLittleBuddy  
  
"The Second Best Bed"  
  
TEASER  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT. LEO'S OFFICE--NIGHT  
  
LEO sits at his desk, rubbing his head and eyes from exhaustion. He eyes a drawer, turns suddenly to look around, and then eyes the drawer again. He opens it and removes pill bottle. With a look of deep guilt and almost robotic movements, he swallows a couple of them.  
  
LEO  
(To himself)  
No more. No more...I promise  
  
Camera spans to door of Oval office, which is now open, and ABIGAIL BARTLET stands triumphantly.  
  
ABBY  
Leo Leo Leo. Were you going to have a party? Am I invited?  
  
LEO  
Ma'am, please leave me alone.  
  
ABBEY  
I don't think so, buddy.  
  
ABBEY saunters half romantically and half drunkenly over to LEO's desk. She sits on top of it, pushing paperwork to the side with a jolt.  
  
LEO  
Not tonight, Mrs. Bartlet. Yesterday, that was, that was  
weak of me.  
  
ABBEY  
Oh, Leopold. Have you got that wrong.  
  
CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE – SAME TIME  
  
JOSH is fiddling with the air conditioner, back to the door. It's still very dark out, end of workday.  
  
JOSH  
(To himself)  
Righty Tighty, Lefty Lucy... DONNA!  
  
He hears the door open, his back still facing it.  
  
JOSH  
It's a conspiracy. First, the Lord of the Flies posse on  
LemonLyman swore to make my life a living hell today after  
one of them apparently spotted me on the street and called  
my name and I didn't answer back...I know I know...I shouldn't  
even be checking that thing, but its almost illegal the  
things they are talking about to get me back...  
  
Camera cuts to the wide eyed face of Toby, standing in Josh's doorway. He remains silent.  
  
Anyway, to make a long story short, I think they are gonna  
throw rocks at my office, I know I know, there's a fence,  
but somehow they messed with my air conditioner by sending  
cyber waves through the internet or something there's some  
real geeky ones that could probably hack right into the  
white house too. Oh yeah, I need a monkey...a monkey wrench  
thingy to fix this...  
  
JOSH turns around  
  
TOBY!  
  
TOBY  
Are you sure they didn't hit you with their rocks?  
  
JOSH  
Toby...Toby, uh, did you need anything?  
  
TOBY  
Yeah, but it can wait. I don't want the cyber waves to distract you  
Or anything....  
  
TOBY grins evilly and walks out, and then turns back for a second...  
  
TOBY  
Oh yeah, Josh?  
  
JOSH  
What?  
  
TOBY  
How does Donna ever know what the heck your talking  
about?  
  
JOSH smirks and changes the subject  
  
JOSH  
I have a meeting with Dory tomorrow  
  
TOBY  
Wait...the fish?  
  
JOSH  
No...Ellen. I'm going on the Ellen DeGenerous show. She  
Invited me! It shows how much the people love me.  
  
TOBY  
Yeah...just don't say anything to piss off the gays  
  
JOSH  
Uh...why?  
  
TOBY  
Ellen's gay Josh, so watch your mouth  
  
JOSH  
Really?! Oh, I was hoping for...  
  
TOBY  
just don't do anything to piss them off.  
  
JOSH  
The gays? Cause Toby I got to tell you I think we might  
have already done that one.  
  
TOBY  
No Josh, Ellen. I just love that woman.  
  
TOBY leaves and JOSH turns to fiddle with the air conditioner as it makes a loud noise, and then begins to squeak loudly as we:  
  
CUT TO  
  
INT. BARTLET KITCHEN—SAME NIGHT  
  
A loud squeaking is heard as BARTLET turns off the tea kettle and pours it into his cup. He grimaces as he begins to sip when ABBEY walks in.  
  
ABBEY  
Too hot for you?  
  
BARTLET  
Where've you been Abigail?  
  
ABBEY  
Oh, here and there. Maybe a little more there than here.  
  
BARTLET  
What the hell does that mean?  
  
ABBEY  
I'll let you think about it.  
  
JED  
Honey, I was wondering if...  
  
ABBEY  
Don't you honey me...don't call me sweetheart. Jed, I need a  
Break. And that means you don't get any more of my cider.  
  
BARTLET  
No more cider? How long?  
  
ABBEY  
As long as it takes, Mr. President.  
  
ABBEY exits  
  
BARTLET gives a saddened stare. As he stands limply, his tea cup tips and a stream of tea falls onto the floor. This finally breaks it, and with a grunt he slams the cup to the tile floor, where it shatters with a loud...  
  
SMASH CUT TO:  
  
MAIN TITLES 


	2. Act One: West Wing the Musical

The Second Best Bed  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: Nothing is as it seems. Everything's eventual. Something will happen...  
  
Pairing: To be discovered...  
  
Disclaimers: These characters aren't mine they belong to Aaron Sorkin and John Wells productions etc.  
  
Notes: This is our first cooperative fan-fiction, and it is in the form of a screenplay. This will be posted in five parts (Teaser, Act 1....)  
  
Notes2: Some characterizations may seem a little off. Believe us! Stick with it! It's deliberate!  
  
SPECIAL NOTICE: Lance Armstrong has WON his record SIXTH TDF! Cheer! Be happy! Okay, now read.  
  
ACT ONE  
  
**INT. JOSH'S OFFICE—THE NEXT DAY**  
  
DONNA grimaces as she watches Josh kicks his air conditioner vent violently.  
  
DONNA  
I don't think that's working  
  
JOSH stops and stares at DONNA  
  
JOSH  
Thank you, Columbo  
  
DONNA  
Columbo? We used to watch that all the time at band camp.  
  
JOSH  
What did you do at band camp?  
  
DONNA  
Well, we took flutes and...  
  
JOSH  
WHAT! Donna smiled mischievously  
  
DONNA  
Well, actually Tubas too...  
  
JOSH  
Oh my god  
  
DONNA  
And we played them!  
  
JOSH  
Donna, I don't want to know anything else about how  
You used to spend your long, hot summers.  
  
DONNA  
(giggles) But why not.  
  
JOSH  
Donna!  
  
DONNA  
Hey, have you heard about Lance Armstrong.  
  
JOSH  
Yeah didn't he win again  
  
DONNA  
Well that too... but he got a new girlfriend!  
  
JOSH  
And I care why  
  
DONNA  
Don't you want to know who it is  
  
JOSH  
Sure  
  
DONNA  
It's me...  
  
JOSH  
God help the president  
  
DONNA  
Well not really it's Whitney Houston!  
  
JOSH  
Really?  
  
DONNA  
No Silly! Its Stephi Graf  
  
JOSH  
The reason I watched tennis last year?  
  
DONNA  
No Silly Joshie, tennis is for kids!  
  
JOSH  
Donna, what are you talking about?  
  
DONNA  
Josh, you're late for your meeting!  
  
JOSH  
Donna?  
  
DONNA  
Josh, you shouldn't drink that much, you have a sensitive-  
  
JOSH  
Oh no. Donna...  
  
DONNA  
Typing leads to...carpal tunnel...syn...syn...  
  
JOSH  
DONNA!  
  
Donna collapses to the ground, sparks flying out of her. Her movements are jerked and awkward, smoke rises as she stops her movements.  
  
JOSH  
(humming to himself) Someone's going to emergency...some  
one's going to jail....  
  
CJ appears in the doorway, arms wide, singing loudly like she's on broadway...  
  
CJ  
And it's the FAAAAAL! That's gonna KIIIIIIILL!  
  
JOSH takes CJ's hands and begins to waltz as they sing the last note together  
  
JOSH/CJ  
YOOOOOOU!  
  
They relax. CJ looks down at Donna.  
  
CJ  
Shame. Is that the third robo-assistant to break this  
week...already?  
  
JOSH  
Yeah. Short Circuits. Crime, boy, I don't know.  
  
CJ  
Josh, if you every wonder about this, it was "Crime, boy I  
Don't know" when I finally decided to do your...  
  
CJ takes Josh and gives him a hard kiss, pushing him to the floor as she slams the door. ROBO-DONNA remains motionless  
  
CUT TO:  
  
**INT. SAM'S OFFICE—LATER ON**  
  
SAM sits studiously at his desk, writing by hand an obviously important speech. He mumbles words to himself.  
  
SAM  
Comma, no...semi-colon. Nooo, comma. Yeah, commas  
First, then semi-colon. Perfect!  
  
TOBY appears standing in the doorway.  
  
TOBY  
SAM! Periods only! You know the president hates all that  
Haughty punctuation.  
  
SAM  
Toby...you weren't there a minute ago...how do you do that?  
  
TOBY  
Same as Donna. I apperate. How's the speech?  
  
SAM  
Speechless. I'm still...distracted.  
  
TOBY  
By what?  
  
SAM  
Listen, Toby...About Last Night-  
  
TOBY  
(interrupting)  
-Is a naughty movie!  
  
SAM  
No, Toby. Last night...was wonderful.  
  
TOBY  
Sam, we just went to the bar. You're still thinking about the beer?  
  
SAM  
No, Toby. I'm thinking about you.  
  
Sam Starts to Sing as a jazz tempo carries the two away  
  
All day long you're asking me what I see in you. All day  
long I'm answering but what good does it do? I have nothing  
to explain.  
  
TOBY looks at SAM as he saunters over and takes his hand  
  
I just love you love you and I'll tell you once again.  
  
TOBY looks at Sam and Sings  
  
TOBY  
Tell me Then they continue to sing  
  
TOBY/SAM  
I don't know why I love you like I do I don't know why I Just do  
  
TOBY  
You never seem to want my romancing  
  
SAM  
The only time you hold me is when we' re dancing  
  
TOBY/SAM  
I don't know why I love you love you I do  
  
SAM  
I'll tell you again,  
  
TOBY  
DO tell  
  
SAM  
But this is the end I don't  
I don't know why I just do  
  
The lights start to fade as the two come closer  
  
I just do  
I just do  
  
Sam holds out the last note as TOBY Shuts the door as the screen goes black  
  
CUT TO:  
  
**INT. OVAL OFFICE—AROUND SAME TIME**  
  
BARTLET sits in one of the comfy oval office chairs. MANDY sits across from him.  
  
BARTLET  
Ms. Hampton. Please tell me again why you're here.  
I do hope this is not a job interview, because I fired you  
For a reason.  
  
MANDY  
Sir, I told you, I'm doing this as a favor.  
  
BARTLET  
Go on.  
  
MANDY  
The report made a few years ago, about a fifth of the West Wing  
Doing some Mary Jane?  
  
BARTLET  
(slightly agitated)  
Yeah.  
  
MANDY  
I have evidence that reveals that accusation to be entirely  
Correct. In fact, it's worse.  
  
BARTLET  
What are you talking about?  
  
MANDY  
Sir, members of your senior staff are getting high.  
In fact sir...  
  
BARTLET  
Get out. Now!  
  
MANDY politely stands up as she exits the office. BARTLET looks around, then goes to his desk, opening his drawer and pulling out a very incriminating looking "cigarette".  
  
BARTLET  
Don't you worry. I'm not gonna leave you guys behind. My wife  
Hates me. You are my only friends. You've got a friend in me!  
  
Song carries through throughout black out, Bartlet's mad crazy yet friendly voice does not stop until the first bits of dialogue of the next scene.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
**INT. BARTLET BEDROOM--DAY**  
  
ABBEY has a suitcase on the bed. She stuffs clothes haphazardly into it. Her mascara runs down her eyes, dried for over an hour now. LEO enters the room  
  
LEO  
I'll met by moonlight, proud Abigail.  
  
ABBEY  
Leo...  
  
LEO  
A fair vestal, throned by the west  
  
ABBEY  
Leo...  
  
LEO  
Over hill, over dale....  
  
ABBEY  
Leo, take your goddam Shakespeare and shove it up your  
  
LEO  
Abbey, Sorry... I wanted to try something new.  
  
He looks around  
  
LEO  
Where are you off to in such a hurry?  
  
ABBEY  
Manchester. Hopefully without my Man. And your going to  
stay here.  
  
LEO  
You were going to leave without saying goodbye?  
  
ABBEY  
Well, I wanted the proper send off.  
  
A now sober Leo looks at Abbey with regretful old eyes. He had taken advantage of her in her emotional distress, and now she's clung to him. And how he wanted it again. But Jed, what would he do, when would he find out...  
  
LEO  
Abbey, I can't....  
  
Abbey walks over to the door behind him, shuts it and locks it.  
  
ABBEY  
Did anyone see you come in here?  
  
LEO  
No one except...except...  
  
Abbey runs her hand down his tie  
  
ABBEY  
Except who, Leo?  
  
LEO  
No one.  
  
Abbey pushes him down on the bed.  
  
ABBEY  
And to Leo...I leave my second best bed.  
  
LEO  
Oh, Abbey  
  
END ACT ONE  
  
**_Emergency author notes: If you were just disturbed by what you just read, worry not. It disturbed us as well as we wrote it. But all will turn out dandy and be explained by the end of this screenplay. So please, keep reading, and worry not._**  
  
. 


	3. Act Two: Soaring Eagle

The Second Best Bed  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: Nothing is as it seems. Everything's eventual. Something will happen…

Pairing: To be discovered…

Disclaimers: These characters aren't mine they belong to Aaron Sorkin and John Wells productions etc.  
  
Notes: This is our first cooperative fan-fiction, and it is in the form of a screenplay. This will be posted in five parts (Teaser, Act 1….)

Notes2: Some characterizations may seem a little off …Believe us! Stick with it! It's deliberate!

ACT TWO

**FADE IN:**

**INT. OVAL OFFICE—NIGHT**

_Jed Bartlet sits smiling at his desk, finished with his "friends". Lazily he stands up._

BARTLET

Charlie!

_CHARLIE walks into the room. Bartlet staggers to where his assistant stands._

BARTLET

I'm..going…bed. 'nighty nighty.

_BARTLET gives a strange grin as he opens the glass door and leaves Charlie speechless in the oval. CHARLIE walks into the front office and see's DEBBIE_

**CUT TO:**

**INT. OUTER OFFICE—CONTINUOUS**

_CHARLIE approaches Debbie's desk. She looks up at him._

DEBBIE

How is the president doing?

CHARLIE

Debbie, I think we need a new euphemism.

DEBBIE

For what, Charlie?

CHARLIE

Lets just say that Eagle is soaring

DEBBIE

You mean soaring…as in what I was doing as I flew to Asia to pick out my Alpacas, or what I was doing afterwards when I realized I had just spent my life savings on a bunch of furry animals?

CHARLIE

Debbie, I'll just say that he's on Air Force One right now, but only in the figurative sense.

DEBBIE

Oh God, I better alert the agents.

_DEBBIE speaks into a walkie talkie as we_

**CUT TO:**

**EXT. WALKWAY—SAME TIME**

_As BARTLET staggers down the side hallway to the residence, the agents watch him worriedly._

AGENT ONE

(into radio)

Eagle's Soaring! I repeat. Eagle is flying high!

_The agents hurriedly communicate this communication to each other. Now they all appear, guiding the president safely to the residence. As BARTLET opens the DOOR to the residence, he slips and falls with a loud crash._

**SMASH CUT TO:**

**INT. BARTLET BEDROOM—SAME TIME**

_Abbey lays in bed under the covers. Leo is just putting on his shoes and socks as he sits in a chair nearby. They hear a noise. LEO gives ABBEY a worried look. Abbey keeps her eyes closed, Listening to the loud crash._

ABBEY

Oh God, its Jethro. Hurry, get under the bed.

LEO

Abbey…

ABBEY

Under it. NOW!

_ABBEY Sits with her legs crossed on the bed, a smile on her face, when her husband opens the door and staggers in._

ABBEY

Honey, did you find Leo's bourbon he keeps in his desk? Cause' you look drunk.

JED

Abigail! My, your breasts are amazing!

ABBEY

I know dear, but your usually subtler about the subject…

JED

And where the devil is Jerold! The Butler!

ABBEY

Oh, please don't tell me…

JED

Hello Abigail! I am Lord John Marbary!

ABBEY

Jed…you've already greeted me. Jed, have you…Have you been…

JED

Jed? Jed!? Why Abby, this is your lord. Bow to me and fetch me a drink. When your husband gets here' we can discuss the socio-economic issues of the Indian sub-continent and have a gay old time!

ABBEY

Oh no. Snap out of it! Snap out of it Jethro!

_As ABBEY proceeds to smack the president across the head, he falls onto the bed on top of her. Sensing his moment, LEO crawls out, blows a kiss to Abbey and sneaks out the opened door._

**CUT TO:**

**INT. WEST WING—MAIN LOBBY---TWO DAYS LATER**

_TOBY punches in his ID as he checks in. He is greeted by GINGER._

GINGER

So, how was your day off with Sam?

TOBY

Fine. We had to take care of a few things.

GINGER

Really? Because Josh said that you said that you guys were going to Boston for the day.

TOBY

(Getting annoyed)

We did.

_SAM punches in his ID and walks through security, and proceeds to Toby and Ginger._

SAM

Good morning cute face. Oh, hi Ginger.

_TOBY glares at SAM. Ginger eyes to two men, then looks at their hands. She gasps._

GINGER

Oh my God! CJ's gonna kill you!

**CUT TO:**

**INT. HALLWAY DANISH CART—SECONDS LATER**

_All of the senior staff assistants are gathered around. GINGER is finishing her spiel._

GINGER

…So then I look at their hands and on both of their right hands there's a-

_Suddenly DEBBIE walks in. She has an accusatory expression on her face._

DEBBIE

All of you ladies work for very important people. The West Wing is no place for gossip.

_They all look back with hurt puppy faces._

DEBBIE

So lets all take a walk outside and you can fill me in!

_The posse grabs every last Danish as Josh nears the cart. By the time he gets there, there are none left. He glances at the posse farther down the hall and mutters incoherently as we_

**CUT TO:**

**INT. CJ'S OFFICE—THE NEXT MORNING**

_CJ sits in her chair, feet propped up on the desk. A copy of The National Enquirer is in her hands. TOBY and SAM enter her office._

CJ

Wow, are you photogenic! There has to be at least…

_CJ opens to the next page_

CJ

Oh my God! You kissed! In front of the National Enquirer!

SAM

Well, it was our wedding

TOBY

We think the priest had a hidden camera.

CJ

None of that matters on _Hard Copy_!

TOBY

This was just a tabloid…

CJ

Oh, it was just a _tabloid!_ Just a _tabloid! _Well, in case you forgot Kathy Lee Gifford supports child labor and Roseanne Barr enjoys burping contests at cast meetings! And now the president's speechwriters have just gotten hitched in La La Land New England! WHAT THE _HELL _IS WRONG WITH YOU!

TOBY

America is ready, CJ. Besides, we're in love.

CJ

Well that has got to be the kinkiest thing I've ever heard.

SAM

I do love him, CJ

CJ

Don't you even say _anything_ Smutzy wussy pants! Only four years ago you were with a prostitute, a woman I might add, and that alone gave fifty journalists their jobs Back! THIS MIGHT JUST JUMP START THE WHOLE STINKIN ECONOMY!

TOBY

We're glad to assist. But CJ, this isn't that serious.

CJ

Why not?

SAM

A couple of things for you to think about: First of all, what we did was legal-

CJ

In the land of Paul Revere!!

SAM

Yes, but legal all the same. And second of all, The White House does not comment on staff's personal lives and or discriminate against people's choices in mates, excetra…

CJ

(Like Ice)

Et. Cetera. Half a decade with the president should have taught you that.

SAM

Thus, we did not participate in, have knowledge of, or witness anything illegal. Or for that matter unethical, Immoral or suspect.

CJ

Do you and Josh Lyman have weekly geeky lawer parties!? Because that is _exactly_ what he said about _you j_ust five years ago!

TOBY

You're overreacting.

CJ

Am I?

SAM

Yes.

CJ

Well, see that is where you are wrong Sparky.

SAM

How?

CJ

First of all, this is the _White _House, not the _Purple _House. And second of all, Although myself or any one of your co-workers may not have a problem with your arrangement, and most likely would be congratulating you in any other setting, the fact is that this just gives the republicans another bullet to fire at us during the midterms.

TOBY

CJ, we've had bullets before. And they didn't exactly work against us politically speaking.

CJ

Your right Toby. Isn't it nice when we can resolve our conflicts all in one meeting? Its like we're scripted or something.

SAM

So everything's okay?

_CJ smiles._

CJ

Yeah. Its okay.

TOBY

You mean your fine?

CJ

No problem.

SAM

But you were just…

CJ

Guys…its fine. Go on. Do what ever it is you do. Have a nice day.

_SAM and TOBY walk out of the office. As they walk out, they have a short conversation._

SAM

Bi-Polar?

TOBY

Either that or she has amnesia.

SAM

My office…twenty minutes.

TOBY

Make that ten.

END ACT TWO


	4. Act Three: Illegal Aliens

The Second Best Bed  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: Nothing is as it seems. Everything's eventual. Something will happen...

Pairing: To be discovered...

Disclaimers: These characters aren't mine they belong to Aaron Sorkin and John Wells productions etc.  
  
Notes: This is our first cooperative fan-fiction, and it is in the form of a screenplay. This will be posted in five parts (Teaser, Act 1....)

Notes2: Some characterizations may seem a little off ...Believe us! Stick with it! It's deliberate!

ACT THREE

**FADE IN:**

**INT. TOBY'S OFFICE—THAT NIGHT**

SAM is on the internet. Toby hovers behind him. They are on the "Ellen" web site.

SAM

Toby, this is a bad idea.

TOBY

Oh, you didn't like it...

SAM

No, that was a _great _idea. I'm talking about this.

TOBY

Sam, if we don't script Josh's appearance it could bring down the entire the entire country. Heck, we'd probably have a secret plan to fight the Canadians.

SAM

Well, we probably do, don't we?

TOBY

Yeah.

SAM scrolls down on site.

SAM

It says here that Ellen likes to dance with her guests.

TOBY

God we're doomed.

SAM

But Josh likes to dance, right?

TOBY

Sam...have you ever _seen_ Josh dance?

SAM

We're doomed.

TOBY

Alright, probable question time.

SAM

'Josh, in a typical day, what do you do...in ya know, a Typical, uh, day.'

TOBY

Wow, sam, you could be a talk show host right there.

SAM

And Josh would say: 'Well, Ellen, in a typical day I might have several meetings with various congressmen, Brush up on some notes on a bill, and then spend a few Hours with the president.

TOBY

I can hear the snoring audience from here.

SAM

So, what should we do, tell them the truth?

TOBY

Every morning I come to the white house greeted with The alabaster face of my secret crush...

SAM

You know I heard that she's a robot-

TOBY

Oh, Sam, that's just for when she's on vacations.

SAM

The white house doesn't have enough money for fruit baskets for fired folks Josh deams as basket cases?

TOBY

Nope. Anyway, after her alabaster face I blabber my way through meetings as I gush out my plethora of Perfect score vocabulary as I watch my ego rise to the Stratesphere.

SAM

Later when I brief the president of all the mistakes I've Made I either charm him with banter or erupt at him from my post tramatic stress disorder.

TOBY

After my day is done I blow off some steam by screaming at various building around DC-

SAM

You heard about that too?

TOBY

Yeah.

SAM

Should we give it to him?

TOBY

Yeah. But take out the PTSD part, that was kind of mean.

SAM

Toby with a heart. That's why I love you so much.

TOBY

Go to hell.

**INT. OVAL OFFICE—EARLY NEXT MORNING**

_BARTLET sits at his desk, reading a document intently. CHARLIE enters the room._

CHARLIE

Sir, Leo is here to see you.

BARTLET

Come hither, Charles.

_CHARLIE steps closer, realizing that the president is still confused._

CHARLIE

Sir, you only call me Charles when...

BARTLET

Charles, all you ever say to me is that My butler wishes to see me. You're all 'Leopold is waiting' and 'Leopold is on the phone', and frankly, I wish you would speak your mind once in a while.

_BARTLET remains at his desk. CHARLIE walks into LEO's office, and we follow him._

CUT TO:

INT. LEO'S OFFICE—CONTINUOUS 

_LEO is at his desk._

LEO

Hey Charlie.

CHARLIE

Leo, the president, he thinks he is Lord John Marbury. Again.

LEO

I see.

CHARLIE

Isn't...Isn't this identity crisis a sign?

LEO

A sign of what?

_CHARLIE whispers loudly._

CHARLIE

Of the MS. Its progression, the multiple personality Syndrome Abbey talked about...

LEO

So your saying that the president's MS is progressing Rapidly toward an icky ending.

CHARLIE

Sir, did you just say icky?

LEO

I believe I did. And if you have a problem with it Just remember that I am lovable Leo McGarrey. And Everyone loves me.

CHARLIE

Sir, lately you've been acting differently.

LEO

But everyone loves me Charlie. I'm lovable Leo, the wonderful lovable Leo, aren't I? AREN'T I!

CHARLIE

Its just that lately sir, you've been acting like Your...like your...

_LEO leans forward, bringing his lips close to CHARLIE's ear as he whispers..._

LEO

Like I'm an Alien?

_Suddenly the wind outside begins to howl as LEO erupts in mad laughter. Lighting strikes nearby and the thunder is deafening. CHARLIE slowly creeps away from LEO as LEO pulls at something at the side of his face, finally tearing off his skin, revealing a gray slimy countenance beneath. He shouts, still with the same voice._

LEO

Margaret!

_MARGARET opens the door and steps in, revealing that she too is an Alien._

LEO

Bring me my jet pack! We are to return to the pod!

MARGARET

Yes sir.

LEO

We have been discovered!

MARGARET

I shall bring my meticulously sharpened pencils to use As our get away weapons!

_As CHARLIE stands agape, LEO and MARGARET put on their jet packs, and with the push of a button and the crack of lightning they elevate themselves and fly forward, crashing through Leo's office window and flying out into the stormy night._

CUT TO:

INT. JOSH'S OFFICE—SAME TIME 

_JOSH is drinking some bottled water. Suddenly there is a knock at his door._

DELIVERY PERSON

Special delivery!

_JOSH gets up and opens the door. A tall shipping box greets him._

JOSH

Ahh, finally.

_JOSH tears through the packaging, finally revealing a stoic face of DONNA2 staring back at him._

JOSH

Now the switch must be here somewhere...

_JOSH fiddles with the robot, finally flicking the switch located behind DONNA2's ear. She begins to talk._

DONNA2

Hello Joshua. I am Donna. Before employing my Services you must perform the Verbal Communications Program. This program consists of a conversation Which will train my ears to your style of speaking. To Begin please say 'now'

JOSH

Do I say it now?

DONNA2

Hello.

JOSH

Hey.

DONNA2

What sort of jobs must I complete?

JOSH

A bunch of things.

DONNA2

Things.

JOSH

Okay...

DONNA2

Okay. Hello Josh.

JOSH

Look, I don't have much time for this, why...

DONNA2

Look.

JOSH

Do I have to get you to say every word in the English Language before you're trained?

DONNA2

Notes use of sarcasm.

JOSH

Yeah...

DONNA2

Verbal training complete. Notes heavy use of 'thing' 'yeah' and 'okay'. Thank you.

JOSH

Okay, I'm just gonna fix the air conditioner now.

DONNA2

And I'm gonna call a repairman. Remember your filming on the Ellen DeGenerous show in just over an hour.

JOSH

Yeah...

DONNA2

I'll get you a cab. Their filming right here in DC for a special.

JOSH

Where?

DONNA2

The reflecting pool at the Lincoln memorial.

JOSH

Really?

DONNA2

Yep.

CUT TO:

**INT. BARTLET BEDROOM---SAME TIME.**

_ABBEY is at her desk, finishing a letter. The storm continues to rage outside. Finishing up, she places the letter on their pillow. As she is about to grab her suitcase when their bedroom window shatters and a bullet-like pencil wizzes past her ear, splicing into the bedpost. ABBEY watches in awe out the window, where LEO and MARGARET are laughing manically while hovering with their jetpacks._

LEO

I'll met by Stormlight, proud Abigail. Now come to the window or Margaret shall heave a second hexed pencil at your ravishing countenance.

ABBEY

But Leo, you're...you're so slimy...

_As ABBEY backs into the darkness away from the window, LEO screams and tummels into the bedroom, taking ABBEY into his arms as she screams. Together the three fly out the window, into the stormy night. Lightning flash!_

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE—CONTINUOUS 

_BARTLET (well, sort of) is at the desk. There is a lightning flash and he suddenly looks up._

BARTLET w/ MARBURY COMPLEX

Abigail...

END OF ACT THREE


	5. Act Four: Invasion of the Homopods

The Second Best Bed  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: Nothing is as it seems. Everything's eventual. Something will happen...

Pairing: To be discovered...

Disclaimers: These characters aren't mine they belong to Aaron Sorkin and John Wells productions etc.  
  
Notes: This is our first cooperative fan-fiction, and it is in the form of a screenplay. This will be posted in five parts (Teaser, Act 1....)

Notes2: Some characterizations may seem a little off ...Believe us! Stick with it! It's deliberate!

ACT FOUR

FADE IN:

**EXT. WASHINGTON MONUMENT-DAY OF FILMING**

_JOSH is wandering around with Donna2, wondering why he can't find the show. Donna2 follows him with a silent knowing smirk._

JOSH  
Where the heck is that lady?!

DONNA2  
Well, like I told you, the Lincoln Memorial.

JOSH  
Exactly! I know these places! I shout at them!

DONNA2  
So show me the Lincoln memorial.

JOSH  
Its right...right...oh God. Outsmarted by an AssistaBot.

DONNA2  
A what!

JOSH  
Nothing.

DONNA2  
Did you bring the script?

JOSH  
Toby and Sam's baby?

DONNA2  
Yeah, and you better use it too. No more secret plans or accusations of tax fraud from on high...

JOSH  
All right, all right. Show me the way.

DONNA2  
Follow thy leader, Joshua.

**CUT TO:**

**INT. OVAL OFFICE-DAY**

_BARTLET is getting up from his desk in a panic. Secret Service Agents are storming the room. BWMC=Bartlet with Marbury Complex_

BARTLET W/M Complex  
What the devil is going on?

BUTTERFIELD  
Sir...calm down. The First Lady's been kidnapped.

BWMC  
Abigail? Oh but her glorious breasts!

BUTTERFIELD  
Sir?

BWMC  
What are ye waiting for! We must search for her! Bring the Torches, kill the beast!

BUTTERFIELD  
Sir, it's not that simple. She was kidnapped by...

BWMC  
What was that? I didn't here you.

BUTTERFIELD  
Sir, it was Leo.

BWMC  
Jerold? The Butler stole my Breasts? What the devil was he thinking?

_BUTTERFIELD takes some pills out of his pocket and hands them to the President, who swallows._

BUTTERFIELD  
Sir, I think you need these.

BWMC  
Thanks chap.

CUT TO:

**INT. Hallway West Wing-DAY**

_CAROL and CJ are walking down the hallway._

CAROL  
CJ, whats going on? There's agents everywhere!

CJ  
I don't know Carol. Probably a sniper or something.

CAROL  
So where are we going again?

CJ  
We need to talk to Sam and Toby. Its urgent.

_They approach the window, blinds closed, to Toby's office. Suddenly a hand reaches through the blinds and slides down the window, leaving a streak of clear surrounded by mist._

CAROL  
Is it that urgent?

CJ  
I guess not.

CUT TO:

**EXT. LINCOLN MEMORIAL-DAY**

_ELLEN has her show set up in front of the reflecting pool. She is sitting cross-legged on her chair. The storm is off in the distance._

ELLEN  
And now I'd like to introduce to you, the man once described as

The second hottest guy in the Bartlet administration, Deputy Chief

Staff : Josh Lyman.

_Josh walks on stage waving and then greets Ellen. Donna2 is on the side watching and shaking her head as Josh struts up to Ellen._

JOSH  
Hi Ellen.

ELLEN  
Hi Josh. Have a seat.

_Josh sits down in a chair next to Ellen._

ELLEN  
So Josh how would you describe a typical day in the White House?

_Josh start to read off the Teleprompter._

JOSH  
Well Ellen, every morning I come to the white house greeted with

The alabaster face of my secret crush...

SMASH CUT TO:

**EXT. STORMY SKY-SAME TIME**

_LEO is flying next to MARGARET, ABBEY in his hands. ABBEY keeps glancing up at LEO's face, not exactly hating him._

ABBEY  
So where are we going slimy leopold...never never land?

MARGARET  
Try Mandyville, roadkill head

ABBEY  
Whats wrong with my hair?

LEO  
Absolutely nothing, my sweet. It smells of graphite and pine.

MARGARET  
Uh, yeah.

_Suddenly two F-15 fighter jets pull up beside them. One of them shouts from an electronic loudspeaker._

PILOT  
Chief of Staff Leo McGarry. The President has ordered you to release his breasts!

ABBEY  
Oh how primal.

LEO  
Margaret, attack!

_Suddenly MARGARET is firing pencils at the fighter jet, splicing through the armor. The jets go on red alert._

PILOT2  
Pull away! Retreat! Its not worth the effort!

ABBEY  
Hey!

PILOT  
Save your skin!

PILOT2  
Okay!

PILOT  
No, I was talking to the first lady.

SMASH CUT TO:

**EXT. SET OF ELLEN-STORM APPROACHING**

_ELLEN continues to interview JOSH_

JOSH  
...So after my ego returns from the stratosphere I continue to advise my colleagues, usually saying intelligent things like if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure...

ELLEN  
Uh huh...now talk some more about that one person you worked with, your _obvious_ crush....

JOSH  
Joey Lucas?

ELLEN  
Hey, you said it, not me.

JOSH  
Well, of all the things I've learned from Joey, I think the most important is that low voter turnout means that there are fewer people going to the polls.

ELLEN  
So lets talk about the environment. What is the Bartlet message?

JOSH  
As I always say...it isn't the pollution that is harming the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

ELLEN  
Now, president Bartlet is a noted economist. Have you learned anything from your boss regarding our financial system.

JOSH  
(_Still reading from the Sam/Toby script_)  
Actually yes. Not only do we have a secret plan to fight inflation, but the vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.

CUT TO:

**INT. TOBY'S OFFICE-SAME TIME**

_SAM and TOBY are watching Josh on the TV._

SAM  
I can't believe he fell for this. Does he realize he's making a...well a bigger fool of himself?

TOBY  
I don't know, but that string of Ritchie quotes you fed to him turned out to be perfect. I can't believe he kept reading it!

SAM  
I'm just so glad the re-election is over. Now we can have him say anything we want him too...and it doesn't matter!

TOBY  
I know! Why do we even work here if there isn't another election?

SAM  
I don't know. Lets quit and elope to Montreal.

TOBY  
Good idea. But we already did elope.

SAM  
Then make it our honeymoon!

TOBY  
You got it...good bye DC life...Canada, we are there!

CUT TO:

**EXT. ELLEN SHOW-SAME TIME**

_JOSH continues._

JOSH  
...so in the end, NASA's search for life boils down to one thing. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If there is oxygen, it means we can breathe!

ELLEN  
And that is wonderful. Now, whats your reaction to the recent gay marriages across the country.

JOSH  
Well, Ellen, obviously...

_Suddenly the sound of jet packs is heard zooming across the sky. The congregation looks upwards._

ELLEN  
It's a swan!

DONNA  
Its flying roadkill!

JOSH  
Its...so slimy...

_Then they come into view, Slimy Leo dragging the first lady across the reflecting as MARGARET follows with evil red eyes. At the same time the presidential motorcade pulls up beside the Ellen show set. Bartlet comes out and runs out with Josh and Donna to the edge of the reflecting pool._

BartletWMC  
Hand over my melons you toad!

LEO  
Not until you say your sorry!

BARTLETWMC  
I would never apologize to an illegal alien!

LEO  
I was supposed to be president! I was supposed to summon

My people to land here! I would lead the human race to peace with the pod people! But you ruined it! And now I have Abigail and we shall create our own race of homosapian pod people....homopods...to inhabit and take over the earth!

BWMC  
Oh my God.

ABBEY  
Jethro! You snap out of it now! You are not Lord John Marbury! You are the President of the United states! You are President Bartlet!

_Now all of the staff members step out of the car and stare at the president, except for Toby and Sam who have run off to Montreal._

DONNA  
I serve at the pleasure of the President!

JOSH  
I serve at the pleasure of the President!

CHARLIE  
I serve at the pleasure of President Bartlet

ED  
I serve at _your _pleasure

LARRY  
I know sweat pea.

CJ  
I serve...oh God how corny.

_CJ walks right up and knocks one on the presidents head. Now he snaps out of it._

BARTLET  
Claudia Jean, did you just slap the president?

CJ  
Yes sir, I did. Its because we're scared sir, we need our pres- I need a presi-

BARTLET  
Shut up...I know, it was overdone the first time and this is just painful.

CJ  
Sorry sir.

BARTLET  
By order of the president...I order YOU Chief of Staff Leo McGarry to hand over my Abbey!

ABBEY  
That's My Bartlet!

_Suddenly we zoom out to reveal Abbey's winking face is actually on a television screen. An announcer continues._

ANNOUNCER  
And that's the end of Tonight's episode of "That's my Bartlet". Stay tuned for scenes of next weeks episode, where the fate of the President's first lady will be decided...and someone else will be kidnapped, while the federal government...shuts down!

_CAMERA PANS TO REVEAL: Television is in the Bartlet bedroom, where the president and the first lady are watching from their bed._

ABBEY  
I can't believe you only cared about my...

BARTLET  
I was being Lord John Marbury! Didn't you pay attention?

ABBEY  
They lost me at the Toby and Sam duet.

BARTLET  
I thought that Julia Roberts made a very nice looking first lady...

ABBEY  
Harrison Ford made a better looking president.

BARTLET  
Oh, go block a bill.

ABBEY  
I think Nicole Kidman as RoboDonna was a little over the top though.

BARTLET  
And I'd take Sean Connery as my chief of staff any day.

ABBEY  
Unfortunately I think Vin Diesel was too good...it is definitely Josh's future.

BARTLET  
Hair loss. Crime, boy, I don't know...

**FADE TO BLACK:**

**END OF SHOW**


End file.
